The Sin of Expectations

I know you said it

You somewhere touched upon my insecurity

And made it clear,

That I expect too much.

And it’s wrong.

I figured that your rationality upon every little thing that I felt and wanted to share

Is far more important

Your “deep understanding “ of my naivety is a right way of judging and repeatedly underplaying

The things I wanted to say

Or feel.

I was there

Going places to understand the mystery  that you appeared  to be and seeking no understanding from your end

Because I’m young.

Probably. You said it.

I wasn’t that young when you wanted me to go down on you

To keep on murmuring things I thought you would remember.

But then, it happened

I expected

Not the moon but just one more glare of love in your eyes

Of just one reply to those bunch of blue ticked texts

Of that one song that you played  the first time we met and under whose influence you dared to kiss me

And I let it happen

Not because I was easy but because I wanted to.

It all felt right. The expectations were turned into dreams

And then you became a dream that I kept on chasing.

I had no problem in coming at your place but my little desire for a coffee at a humble cafe became an expectation

And when I said it

You said I stooped to levels of self boasting?

I was shattered, but I couldn’t erase your reflection from my lobes,

Your smell from my clothes,

Your smile from my eyes.

I kept on pushing my self respect to a fire that you fuelled. And honestly,

I didn’t care.

Because with my head on your lap,

You said

‘Good you realized. I’m glad the drama is over’

And I thought it was a beginning,

But no.

It was a continuance. An upgradation

It was like a victory you always saw coming and a defeat that I found solace into.

A defeat that felt warm and safe. Because you were still there.

I felt happy that I can again mention you in my conversations and wait for your texts.

I’m still a part of you.

Or I believe.

I started accepting the fact that love is way above petty standards that this society has dawned upon us.

It’s above cheesy one liners

Above nicknames

Above conversations

Above texts

Above remembrance

And above knowing if the other person still exists.

I was too scared to go back to that old self. That person

Who was an expectation freak!

For what I thought that if happiness is all about being with you, not actually being with you but to just believe that I am,

Is also happiness.